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biguardguy
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Name: biguardguy
Country: United States
State: Arkansas
Metro: Fayetteville
Gender: Male
Interests: Colorguard/winterguard, hot boys, music, friends, movies.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Music
Message: message me
Member Since:
12/23/2005
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| So it has almost been a year since I posted anything. In this time I have seen a couple guys, lost those few guys and I'm still alone. I've been up all night thinking about my future and wondering what might become of it. As I get older I see all the missed opportunities I've had pass by and wondered what might have happened if I had taken those risks. I'm also trying to look into the future to see what it might hold for me. The whole future thing is still cloudy and mysterious and I don't like it. I'm about to enter my last year as an undergrad and all I can think about are the memories of the past 4 years, all the good times and bad times.
Looking back I've wondered how I'm still alive after all I've been through physically and emotionally, how I didn't kill myself or go crazy and have to be committed. Some of the things I've thought about are quite funny and yet others have made me tear up just passing by the memory and not even dwelling on them.
So tomorrow I will see my ex who I haven't seen since I saw him walk away from me in California almost a year ago. We have gotten to the point to where we can talk pretty well now, but there are still the times where I miss him so much it hurts and I tell him and we end up not talking for a bit. I'm really excited that I will get to see him, even if it is for only a couple hours before he heads out on his big move to San Diego. I'm ready to see him, but I don't think I'm yet prepared to see him leave again. I sometimes wonder why my heart is still broken and why it seems that I can't move on. I have figured that he is probably my soul mate and the man I'm meant to be with for the rest of my life, but is that going to happen and does he really feel the same way about me? I've dated a few guys, even thought I was falling for a couple until they broke my heart and left me. Maybe I'm holding on to the past to hard, so hard in fact that I've killed it forever. But I also have to think that maybe there is hope. After I graduate with my masters in a couple years I have seriously thought about moving to San Diego to be with him, but I also can't help think that there is no way that he actually wants to be with me and I'll be moving in vain.
All I can hope for is the best and maybe he still loves me as much as I love him and everything will work out like I think and hope that it is supposed to one day.
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| So it has been a really long time since I've posted anything, but yet here I am again.
I'm sitting here listening to music, drinking a glass of wine, and crying for no reason. I really wish there was someone here to talk to. I feel so lonely. Sometimes I wish I didn't make the decisions that I have and I wish I could take them all back, but I know that they have all been for the best and one day I'll learn to accept them for what they were, but it doesn't make them any easier. I keep thinking, "what if I made the wrong choice, what if I fucked my life up by this one action? What if there is only one person I'm meant to be with for the rest of my life? Am I destined to be alone forever?" These questions are driving me crazy and I just want them to stop! I've gotten to where I don't really like to be home because of all the memories that are here, but I don't have any where else to go. Everywhere I look I see him, every thing I hear it's him, I smell him, I feel him next to me at night, I'm going insane! This is so hard!
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| Okay, so it is like 4 am. What, you may ask, am I doing up this early, or maybe you think it is late. Well, whatever you think, you are probably wondering why I am up now. Well, it is because I can't sleep. I got home around 45 minutes ago from a night at the club and now I have a huge headache. The headache is the only reason I'm awake, it hurts so bad I can't sleep. Also, the fact that there is a guy in my apartment with my roommate that I don't care for is kind of keeping me awake.
So after the club, I went to Denny's with a couple friends and a guy that I met Saturday night was there too. He doesn't remember meeting me, but it is because of all the drugs. (reminder....KIDS, DON'T DO DRUGS!!! CRACK IS WACK!!!) Well, he is loud and really really annoying and doesn't know when to shut up, in fact, I'll call him "ass". He pisses off one of my friends and doesn't realize why, he then starts to piss me off and it is very hard to piss me off. I don't appreciate being questioned like I am an idiot after I just make a simple statement that he reads too much into and thinks I'm saying something totally different. I told my friends that my roommate was spending some time with a guy that I don't like to see what the guy is like. Well, this dumb ass thinks I'm trash talking guy I don't like and procedes to tell me that he is close friends with him and he doesn't appreciate that I'm talking about him behind his back. I would like to point out that I sand nothing about said guy, so "ass" is making a fool of himself. Everyone around me sees that I was not trash talking the guy in anyway and were trying to explain to "ass", but he wouldn't listen, the affects of drugs or booz or something. Well, after that I had to bail before I got too pissed off. Grr, I hate stupid people!!!
Other than that guy, I had a great time tonight. I danced with some friends including coworkers and a guy that was roommate's friend but for some reason is starting to open up to me about some stuff. Not that I'm complaining, I do like helping people even if I can only offer my ears or my sholder to cry on. This guy is a really sweet person and he is in the process of seperating with his boyfriend in a situation that I can relate to quite well. I really wish life wasn't so full of drama and heartache, but it is and we just have to deal with it. I am very glad that I know that I have a couple true friends that I can count on for anything, anytime I need it and I really hope that there are people see me as that kind of person too.
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| Okay, so I have had a great few days! My boyfriend has been down visiting and he will be off home tomorrow. That makes me very sad to know that it might be a very long time till I get to see him again. Oh well, that is our life together.
In other news, I made a drum corps for this summer! I am so happy, this will be my age out year and I was really worried that I wouldn't make a corps. So I will be spending 3 months of my life on the road all over the country. Yay!!
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| Okay, since my last post I have figured out what I wanted and everything seems to be working out right now. My boyfriend is coming down to see me in a couple weeks and will be here up until 3 days before Christmas which really rocks. I miss him tons and I can't wait to see him. It is really going to suck if I make a drum corps since I will be all over the country all summer. All I have to say is that he better come see one of my shows. 
Class is offically over, now all I have to worry about are finals which I only have 3 of them. I also have to tryout for concert season tomorrow and I have barely looked at the music. Oh well, concert band for another year.
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